Hand-in-Hand

Paul was born in 1969. They say he was a good baby, rarely making a noise but he was afflicted with fits that the doctors could find no reason for. He was a happy child around most folk but some he seemed scared of. He would get upset around some people; he seemed scared of them and would begin to cry. He seemed to be able to sense something about people but no one could understand what or why. Being a child he had no experience of life and had no way to communicate what was wrong.

Some people say Paul was a miracle child from an early age as he apparently died several times and had no right to be alive. He survived being run over a few times, he was electrocuted on the railway lines. Paul was also very accident prone resulting in him hitting his head extremely hard on many occasions.

The sad part about Paul’s childhood was that he thought that what he experienced was the same as everyone else. His father was a cruel, cruel man; some would say a sick, sadistic disgusting bastard (although much worse could probably be said).

Paul was a small boy; he was a late developer in growth and in speech. As such schooling proved hard for him so he chose to play truant a lot and when in school he got into trouble a lot. We will go into more of this later on in this story.

Paul would do his utmost to please his dad. He was given many different jobs to do around the house which to some would seem impossible. One of his jobs was to clean the carpets throughout the house using only his hands, having to pick up every grain of dirt that could be found. His father would come to check on his progress every half hour and without fail would call him to the kitchen after several hours. His dad would make him stand facing a tall cupboard on his tip toes and reach for the ceiling. His legs and arms would be aching and pins and needles would be rushing through his body as he awaited his father’s return hoping that he would be pleased when he had inspected his work. However, without fail he would return to the kitchen he would tell Paul to hold out his hands at arm’s length. He would then take some fluff he had found and place it into his palms and tell him that he was a bad lad. He wanted to know why he hadn’t completed his duties adequately asking him over and over again. Why had he not done his job properly? What have you been doing would come the question. Only a whimper came out in reply, not fully understanding what he had done wrong. Nothing dad, he would say I haven’t been doing anything else I did what you told me to do. Liar Liar would come the reply to Paul time and time again. The boy’s father would walk over to the bird cage in the corner of the room and take out a stick and then hit his hands as Paul cried out in pain. His dad would snarl at him and put his face right up to Paul’s face and growl – don’t make a noise and then repeat the beating!
Other jobs on Paul’s list involved cleaning the family shoes which had to shine up to the point of being able to see your face in them. Sometimes a single piece of tissue would have to be used to clean all the skirting boards around the house, behind the pipes, in cupboards, every inch that could possibly be reached. Despite his best efforts the one thing that was always guaranteed was that he would fail to meet his dad’s expectations and more work and punishment would follow.

Though this seems harsh retrospectively for Paul this was normal and each failure only made him ant to please his father more as it hurt him to think he had upset his dad. He still didn’t really understand what he had done wrong.

Sometimes his dad would send him to his bed as soon as his mum had gone out to work or had gone to bingo. Sometime later he would go into Paul’s bedroom and start touching him, then he would start heavy breathing into his ear saying good boy, good boy – hands clasped around Pauls mouth he put his penis into Paul. Paul would try to scream – he didn’t know what it was, the pain burning that felt like he was being ripped apart. He struggled to try and scream, his body shaking but the grip of his father’s hand grew tighter over his face. His head tingling, no air entering his body he would become still and would only awake when he found himself being held in the air and being shaken like a rag doll, till a rush of air would rush from his mouth and the whisper from his father saying ok now you’re ok. He would sit Paul down and softly say you’re a good boy and give him a cuddle and smile this was a time when Paul felt somehow he’d done good and so in time learnt not to struggle when these dreadful things happen to him. After each time his dad would give Paul sweets or let him watch TV, if it was in the day time then he might allow Paul to go and play outside in the park. Even the work duties might stop for a day or two. Paul knew his dad was happy as he would sing and smile but sometimes he would just order him out of his sight and would not look at Paul. Paul’s heart would be broken as he wondered about what he had done wrong – why, why, why? Paul could never gather the courage to ask the question out loud to his dad for fear of his dad telling him that he was bad and so not worth loving. When Paul was allowed to play out in the park just outside the back gate he was only allowed to play on a climbing fence and wouldn’t dare move off it for fear of upsetting his father one more. He would sit for hours waiting for other kids playing on the slide and swings so often being taunted by them. They would throw cans, water bombs, even dog poo knowing Paul wouldn’t get off the frame to chase them. Of course going in wet and smelling often led to a beating and though he would say he hadn’t got off the one frame he couldn’t say how he got wet and if he did tell he was called a liar.

Sadly, Paul doesn’t remember much of his mother but the happy memories he has of her he holds fondly in his heart. Paul’s mum was a wonderful cook; she made Sunday afternoon specials – fruit cakes, flans – always a smell of jelly.

Sometimes Pauls mum would take him to work with her cleaning offices and she was always with how well he worked. Some other memories Paul has of his mum are mixed up, broken some might even say squeezed by the very effect of forever pleasing his dad.

The same goes for Paul’s brothers and sister in that there are no real memories to fall back on other than Sunday afternoons going for a walk down the canal. When Tracey and Mark come out they would hold their dads hands. Paul and Ian would have to walk in front and not make a noise. The walks when they younger two didn’t come Paul and Ian would still have to walk in front whilst their dad shot and birds and fish with his catapult. Tony (Paul’s dad) liked collecting bird eggs and so often they went looking in highly inaccessible places. Ian would have to climb up walls to find nests and check for eggs. On one occasion Tony hung Ian over a ledge and lost grip. Ian fell a great height and only the trees beneath him broke his fall – probably saved his life. However, a piece of wood went through his arm. Paul and Ian were made to tell their mum that they were messing about. Both being rather accident prone and very often disobedient/naughty it was not difficult to believe. Tony had become an expert at convincing people too and Paul and Ian had learned that they needed to agree with his story. Paul and Ian had even learned to defend him if any accusations were made against him.

As Paul got older he inherited the taste for climbing, the years of him playing on the climbing frame had turned him into something of an acrobat. He could swing from branch to branch even jump from one tree to another. Paul could sense his father’s fear as he scaled up walls and trees to tremendous heights in search of eggs that would mean being able to bring a smile to his father’s face. Paul knew this would result in being told he was a good boy and this brought him some joy. This hunger for his father’s affection overwhelmed any fear he may have had for his own safety when performing death defying feats to achieve the goal of collecting the all important gift of acceptance and love.
Life at school was another tough time for Paul. Paul was small and had difficulty pronouncing some words. This led to Paul being teased by some of the other children and sometime bullied. Paul was given a small amount of pocket money each day but this was used to buy friendship particularly of two other children who would act as bodyguards for Paul.
Teachers had their individual ways of keeping discipline in the classroom. Paul was often perceived as disruptive and so was often punished. Paul suffered from headaches and would explode into tantrums. Some teachers would throw the chalk at him; some would slap him on the head, all these punishments made the situation worse. Some teachers would make Paul stand in the corner but he would cause distractions and so would be made to go and stand outside the classroom. Paul as he was found standing for long periods of time very boring and so would play knock and run on other classroom doors, alternatively he would hide the milk kept outside each classroom or sometimes he would go and move the other children’s coats from one end of the school to the other (this was a favourite pass time).

When things got too much for his teachers he was sent to the headmistress – Miss Bates. This is where he’s told off and given the cane but to her frustration he never cried or showed pain. It was when she threatened to tell his parents that tears were brought to his eyes, tears of pure fear. When she did write to his parents if it was his mum who received the letter then she would stop his pocket money. This meant he couldn’t buy friends at school which meant he was an open target for the bullies. Another punishment was to send him to bed without pudding and no TV (his favourite show – the Muppets was always on at 6pm). If his father got the letters then he would let his mother deal the punishments and wait for her to go out and then administer his own punishments too.

Such a sad life for Paul, beatings at school, beatings at playtime, beatings at home. Alas Paul just felt that this was normal – he didn’t even know that what was happening to him was wrong. He constantly lived with the ever increasing echo of the words that he was just a naughty boy, teachers told him, his mother told him, his father told him often and of course they told each other – everyone believed that Paul was naughty. When bruises were discovered on his body it was always put down as being due to an accident or him having been naughty in some way!

One day Paul discussed his home life with one of his teachers, his favourite teach, a Mr. Bond. He trusted him enough and so shared with him what his dad had done to him. On discovery of the bruises on Paul’s legs and back he was taken into a room and sat down and given some sweets. Paul can remember the soft voice of his teacher asking him what had happened to him. As Paul explained what his dad had been doing to him and he didn’t understand why he was always being punished tears rolled down the teachers face. Paul wondered even more as he couldn’t understand why his teacher was crying. To this day though Paul does not know why it is that nothing was ever done and nothing was ever pursued. The promises that everything was going to be ok were broken! Tony was an expert at proving that Paul was no good and later that week Paul got a beating like never before. The anger and hatred that Paul saw in his father’s eyes guaranteed that he would never tell another soul about all that had happened to him. Paul was convinced that he was in the wrong again and put back in his place of believing that it was normal and that he deserved all that happened to him. It is only in recent years that Paul has felt able to talk about some of these things. Why should he discuss this with others – it was normal and it was his fault of that he had been certain.

As the years went by arguments between his mum and dad grew until one day she beat him with a vacuum cleaner and threw him out. Tracey and Mark would go and stay with him at weekends; Paul was not allowed to go. Paul’s heart was once again breaking feeling that his daddy didn’t want him. Why? Why? Why? Paul just thought of everything he had done wrong, it was his fault that his dad had left; he had hurt his dad but what? Why? When? He was not to see his dad again for many years as a new chapter began.

Paul’s mum met another man, called Dennis. It was not long before they married. Tracey and Mark would stay with dad, Ian left home and we moved to southern Ireland. Paul’s thoughts were that this would be a new adventure, like going on holiday, a whole new life. However, he found himself in whole different world of darkness and hidden tears.
Schooling in Ireland was no different. The bullying now was because his mum was protestant and his father was Catholic. Family life always seemed stressed; his dad was a drinker and a scary guy when drunk. His mother just seemed sad all the time. The only time they all seemed to be happy was when they were in the local pub. They would talk until the early hours of the morning. It was a friendly place, everyone laughing, joking and singing songs. Paul didn’t get involved with the conversations but was happy just sitting in the corner watching everyone, seeing everyone smiling and chatting, the air filled with joy brought peace to his otherwise tormented mind.

Paul made a couple of friends in the village but they were the local roughs do often he would be banned from going to see them. Paul’s best friend was Peppie the family dog and they would go for long walks sometimes 20-40 miles per day. From the tops of the trees or sat by the river daydreaming was much of where Paul spent the rest of the time. After about a year in the village Paul made friends with Dermot, the local shop keeper’s lad. Dermot used to sneak Paul sweets and pop and at times money. He would invite Paul to play in his garden which was massive and Dermot also had some secret hideouts. Dermot was much bigger than Paul but when they had play fights he was always gentle with him. They would sit and chat even though Paul found some words difficult to pronounce Dermot seemed to understand and Paul found that he started to trust him. On occasions Dermot wanted to touch Paul and after a payment of sweets Paul knowing no different agreed. After a few months of this he told Paul to strip off and made him lie down. He grabbed Paul’s head and then forced himself into Paul’s small body. As the pain increased Paul had already learned from previous experience to turn off as if he had left his body altogether. There was therefore little struggle for hi new master to overcome.

When Dermot had finished he didn’t say a word, he just looked at Paul and cried. He didn’t say goodbye or give Paul any sweets, in fact he never spoke to Paul again. When Paul went into the shop he would ignore Paul. One day Paul stood outside Dermot’s window shouting for him until he came. Dermot came to the back door and told me that I had to leave, he was not to speak to him again and if he ever told anyone about the secret hiding place or what had happened then he would kill Paul’s mum and hunt down his family because they were English and so no good. Paul didn’t fully understand and accepted the fact that he was to blame and he walked off head bowed with tears streaming down his face. He returned to his home to his one friend, Peppy.

One Christmas Paul was allowed to go back to England to spend Christmas with his grandmother. He stayed with his elder brother Ian who lived in Tanhouse flats, Colley gate. This is when he met Carl and found out that he was his brother. Questions began to arise in Pauls mind as to how he didn’t know he had another brother and why Carl had never lived with him as he was growing up.

Boxing Day was the first time Paul had ever got drunk; he was about 13 years of age by now. This day was also a day that would haunt him for many years, his heart getting shattered once more. His head would seer with pain as he remembers what was to occur. Whilst drunk his head felt like it was about to explode. On this dreadful day both his brothers laughed at him because he couldn’t handle being drunk and teased him to a point where he lost his temper – the first time he had done this in his young life. They then beat him up and shouted at him words that would repeat in his head for many years as if on a tape recording ton repeat with no off button. They said we are glad that you are not really our brother, you’re a bastard, a twat, an idiot, Tony is not your dad, you are not our brother, and you’re nothing.

When Paul next saw his Gran she seemed to see his hurt and brokenness. She always seemed to be able to sense when Paul was down or when he had some kind of problem. When asked he denied any problem though. She called him over to sit by her knees; she gently stroked his head and asked what was wrong. Paul you can tell me she would say. His words were jumbled, could he say, dare he? Before he knew it his little body began to shake and tears began to stream down his face and he said dads not my dad, blurting out. Why/ why? He sobbed. She softly said yes that’s true. She wanted to know how he knew though she somehow already seemed to know. She was angry and yet sad at the same time, she cradled Paul in her arms as his heart broke like elastic being stretched to the point of being snapped, he cried so much that he passed out. The following day he awoke to find his aunt holding a cold damp cloth on his head. The past few days had taken there toll on him and he became ill. Though they hated to do it they sat him down and said he was not to tell his mother or Dennis what he had learned. Under no circumstances and was even forced to swear on his nans life. The time came for him to return to Ireland although he begged not to be sent back. His resistance was to no avail and the journey which seemed to last forever was made back to his mother in Ireland with this new secret locked away.

By the time Paul arrived home in Ireland he was so ill that he had to spend 2 weeks in bed, each time he was found crying and when asked why he just said that he couldn’t face going back to school. As time went by it was agreed that he didn’t need to go to school and instead he was given a job working with horses and also doing some work on some fishing boats. He worked hard and everyone appeared to be proud of him. Time in Ireland seemed to slip by for Paul; his mother said that he had changed almost overnight becoming defiant, angry, downright mean and very cheeky.

Due to the limited work and poverty setting in combined with the constant unhappiness in the household it was decided we should move back to England. Paul stayed with his Nan whilst his mum and Dennis stayed with Ian until they found a house. After a few months they were given a house in Handsworth. Paul moved back in with them but was still distant and angry. He was always getting into trouble in the home and eventually his parents just couldn’t cope and so Paul moved out.

Paul initially went to stay with Ian, his eldest brother but was always being bullied by him so Paul moved from flat to flat. Paul made many friends in the flats who introduced him to drugs which offered an escape from the pain. Paul was very much liked by two guys who were the leaders of a rock a Billy gang and he soon became their errand buy, collecting debts, delivering drugs, etc. Paul always seemed to sense trouble was coming and was able to warn his friends. This carried favour with them and he saved them from trouble many times. This meant he was taken even more under their wings. Paul became blood brothers with them; they bought him rock a Billy clothes and shoes and took him everywhere they went. This was a time when he learnt how to fight. He discovered that he could harness his anger and turn it into extra strength. He could take huge amounts of pain but could now also give pain and he began to build a reputation for himself. Paul was forever under the watchful eye of his two new brothers and body guards. If Paul was not able to collect a debt then they would do it themselves, often leaving people badly hurt. Paul watched with no emotion and without any remorse, most of the time being in a whole different world due to the drugs he was taking.

Pauls’ Nan was taken into hospital, when Paul went to visit her he was struck with a real fear for his friends. He went back to their flat but couldn’t get any answer. He searched everywhere possible – pubs, clubs, and other friend’s houses with no joy. A few days later they were found dead! Paul was now hunted by other members of a gang. He had no bodyguards, no one in his corner and he was eventually caught and overpowered. They beat him and stripped him and put him in a cold water bath, trying to hold his head under the water. As they held him he lost his temper and ‘totally flipped’, to this day he has no idea how he got out of that situation. He has no memory other than being picked up by the police and taken to his grandmother’s house.

Pauls tormented mind and soul often caused him to suffer some kind of fit on occasions. His teeth would grind together, his face would go dark red, the veins throughout his body would expand and his body would expand. His appearance would seem to change and this often scared those who saw this, everyone except his Nan. She always had a calming effect on him and seemed to be the only person who could reach inside him and pull him back to himself. Family members were scared of him and often would say that he would hurt someone one day and insisted that his Nan move him out of her home. She refused but over a period of time had to relent and she found a place for him to stay in Lye. She paid the deposit and a month’s rent till the social was sorted out. The place he found himself was a room above a café which he had to share with other waifs and strays – old men and young. Not many ever stayed more than a few days as it was a smelly and dingy place. Some may ask why his Nan put him in such a place if she cared so much. The truth is that she didn’t know – she had not seen the room and was naïve in such matters and the owner convinced her that Paul would be in good hands. In fact the owners wasted their money and didn’t care at all about who lived in the rooms. Living in such a place it was not long before Paul got into drugs and drink again and he would often just pass out in his room. For a period of time he did have the rooms to himself and then one night he awoke to find an old man masturbating next to his bed. As Paul went to get up he just pushed him back on the bed and Paul became that child again – no strength, no screams and the smelly, dirty old man did the same as his ‘dad’ had done to him. When he was done he told Paul not to say a word or he would deny it and say that he had been robbed. He also said that he would tell everyone that Paul was gay; Paul didn’t really understand what being gay meant only that it must be something bad. He learned that everyone hated gays yet his only thought was the fear of getting into trouble from the rumours that this man might spread about him. The old man gave him money sometimes and so Paul just relented and decided that his body would forever be used by whomever to do whatever. At least Paul could buy drugs and drink in order to numb the pain. The days that Paul was really drunk the old man would stay clear of Paul except to give Paul money without Paul having to give up his body to him. As time went by the old man just disappeared, some say he had jumped in front of a train, some say he was pushed – whatever happened Paul never saw him again.

With no money Paul hit the streets, moving around. He always seemed to attract guys who would pay him to be used. It meant that he got by whilst on the streets and could cope with use of drugs and alcohol. As time went by though he missed his Nan and so returned to Stourbridge.

He never felt any pleasure when with men and he constantly felt used and unclean because of what these men did to him. He still knew no different, his body, his soul, his self worth meant nothing to him – his body was just a way of gaining money in order to escape from life through drugs and alcohol. He felt a deep pain but he had no way of expressing it. He didn’t know how he could let it out or even tell anyone. His Nan was the only person who could give him and peace.

Paul’s brother Ian had now got a flat on the same street as their Nan so Paul went to stay with Ian. He spent most of his days with his Nan. Ian’s nick name around the area was Darbo, he was known as a bit of a hard man who very few people would pick a fight with but one day two guys were ganging up on him and were giving him a kicking. When Paul saw this he intervened and battled the two guys at once. Onlookers must have been confused because at first it looked like he was protecting his brother but after he had seen the two of them off he then proceeded to beat Ian up too. Paul used to chant tony, Tony over and over again and rarely lost a fight. He gained a reputation as a hard man and although most people would stay away it initially seemed to attract people wanting to fight him. They always seemed to win to start with until he began to chant Tony, Tony, Tony and then a rage would be released which would see him regularly hurt people.

Another battle began to rage within Paul’s already tormented mind as he hated hurting people and he would often cry as he was hitting them. He would cry not with sadness or fear but because of what he was doing and because of the fact that he was unable to control it.

Paul lived a double life, of peace when with his Nan but at night he was defender of himself and others. Ian was a thief and robbed schools, offices, shops and clubs at night and took Paul with him. Paul’s climbing skills meant that he could get in most places and when drunk would just jump through windows.

Ian eventually got caught and had to go to prison after being charged with well over 100 offences. Those who knew Paul had been involved threatened to grass him up to his Nan if he didn’t turn himself in… Paul did so and received probation and at this point was even able to take over Ian’s flat. This p[procedure was a strange event as Paul was classed as a squatter and so had to be evicted, the locks were changed and then he was given new keys. At last his own place, a safe haven, HOME.

Happy days for Paul, he lived at 77 Pebble close, his Nan at 66, able to visit her whenever he liked. Calmness came to Paul’s life; he was still a rock a Billy and made new friends, going to rock ‘n’ roll clubs. After watching a film called dirty dancing he got into dancing and became the club’s best dancer. This is where he met Zoe, they became dancing partners and it was not long after this that they started dating.

Days spent with his Nan and a new evening of adventures at rock ‘n’ roll clubs with a new love in his life, a love he had never experienced or felt before. Soon Zoe and Paul spent much more time together and she moved in with him. Paul was nervous at first not knowing what to expect, was she going to hurt him. He’d never had sex before and put it off many times, no one to ask about it and his only experiences had been whilst being abused and hurt. Zoe was gentle with him and al seemed natural after a time and Paul even grew to enjoy it, he didn’t feel dirty or hurt in fact it was a good feeling. He learned that this was ok and was what love was all about.

All that had previously been done to him by his dad and other men had slipped into a distant memory. As time grew on he even learned how to switch it off altogether s if it had never happened. Only the love of Zoe mattered and the joy of being with his Nan and all his new friends. Joy joy peace peace – happiness!

For some reason Pauls Nan didn’t like Zoe and would rarely let her come round. Paul was confused but never questioned her. He was used to his Nan taking an instant dislike to folk; she would say she just knew things about them. Paul was blinded by love and so didn’t pay attention to his Nan and though it sometimes hurt him he would rather spend time with Zoe now. This created a new challenge as Paul felt torn between his Nan and his new found love and peace.

The battle was soon over with him as his Nan took ill and he dedicated most of his time in caring for her. At first, much of the family came to help but slowly and surely they drifted away. Much of the time looking after his Nan was down to Paul, his cousin and Ian when he got out of prison. She needed 24 hour care on occasions and would have to go into hospital. She would fade away; appearing near death and the family would come and take her home so she could die in peace. No sooner had she got home than she would pick up a little again, regain her strength and life would return to her. She would start laughing and joking again. This cycle happened many times.

As Paul watched his Nan the same sensation came over him that he’d had regarding other people many times with people he loved. He could see into her soul and saw her heart breaking though she would be smiling on the surface. She would drift off as in a dream yet still awake, her soul was crying out. The sadness of being abandoned by her children, regrets of the past, things she had or had not done and the secrets of others she held in her heart. She was losing the will to live and though now she wanted to tell others she had lost the ability to speak. Only her eyes could tell her story, if only folk could have read her eyes, if only Paul had stood up and told them but somehow she had sworn him to secrecy with just one look. She tried to fight back, gain life for my sake, for the family but could find no strength and gave up. Yet she remained alive somehow there was no escape for her.
The family promised Paul that if his Nan died they would take care of him and be their if they ever needed them. He didn’t want his Nan to die and would harness all his energy to will her to live and get well, if only she could be happy again!

Around this time money went missing from Paul’s granddads wardrobe and Paul got the blame, the family even got the police involved and although there were a number of suspects the finger was pointed at Paul. He swore on his life, on his mother’s life, on Zoe’s life he hadn’t taken the money his cries were in vein and he was ordered to stay away and was once again abandoned by his family. He remembers the tears in his Nans eyes and though she tried to speak in his defence she couldn’t and they all said he upset her and so he had to leave. (Several years later all the money and other things were found in a secret compartment in his granddads bed. To this day only two apologies have been given by the family but it meant nothing to Paul – they had killed his Nan)

A few weeks after this event Zoe found she was pregnant though again Paul was torn inside over all that had happened he found a new joy springing up within him. He was going to be a dad; he got a job and started making plans for his baby’s life, a life he could have only dreamed of for himself. He would make sure his child would have all he/she needed. The baby would be happy, loved and would never be beaten or hurt. So many plans rushed through Pauls head.

Zoe’s dad came to visit from London and a week later said he was taking her for a holiday. Paul didn’t give it a second thought though he’d miss her he was too occupied with sorting things for the baby. Paul was working and was saving every penny he could.

One of Paul’s old friends came to visit him. Paul knew him through doing some drug dealing in the past but there was something different about him now. Paul invited him in and his mate started to share his experience of church and God with Paul. Something inside Paul sparked into life and he agreed to attend Woodgate church with his friend as long as he was picked up and dropped off. On entering the church he sense a real joy and happiness, as he listened to the worship he sense a peace, a joy, a deep inner sensation like never before. It was God – at last his spirit had found the very presence of God. Paul had sensed this in brief moments before throughout his life but could put no name to it. As the preacher spoke Paul hung onto every word and the hunger in him grew for more, more, much more. At the end of the service an alter call was made and all those who wanted Christ in their lives were invited down to the front. Hesitant Paul went forward. Many were standing in a line at the front. As each got prayed for they fell to the ground. The time came for him to be prayed for but nothing. He didn’t feel a thing; different people came over to pray with him but still nothing although Paul felt a deep peace and a feeling of acceptance. He didn’t want to upset people and so decided to fall over, at least this way everyone would shut up and leave him alone and he could rest on the floor. Paul had a vision which he didn’t understand. He dreamt that he was lying at the throne of God, wondrous sounds of joyful singing, the warm breath of God blowing all over him, children running and playing all around him, lots of singing and dancing. Paul had never felt such warmth or peace; it seemed to flow through to his deepest parts. As Paul lay there he sensed so many around him locking hands and just smiling more and more, everyone longing for more of the spirit of God but then he felt himself being pulled back, he didn’t want to wake up, he wanted to stay there forever. He didn’t have a care in the world, nor a negative thought – there was no pain, he was clean. He wanted to stay in the throne room of God. When Paul finally stood up for him it seemed like days, weeks. Even years but in fact was just a few minutes. Loads of people came up to him after he stood up to shake his hand, some cuddled him. He was given a bible and a step by step guide of what it meant to be a Christian.

A born again Christian, born again Paul read his bible and read the various literatures he’d been given. He learned about forgiveness, that he was forgiven but also that he must forgive. He started asking some family members about his childhood. He sought to speak about forgiveness but so many times he was told it was just in his head and over a period of time learned to suppress his questions. He learned to say that God had forgiven his family. Paul felt like he was new, born again and free, free, free – what a great delight to think that.

Zoe was still in London at this point, a week turned into a month. Paul would call her every day. He sensed something was wrong but Zoe assured him that all was well and that the baby was fine. He spent much time with Zoe’s mother talking about the future, how Zoe would be soo happy and their new baby would be fine – her mother agreed. Everyday Paul would buy something new for the baby and save it all in Zoe’s mum’s garage as he wanted to surprise Zoe. He shared his plans with his Christian friends and the leadership of the church. They all agreed that his new life was going to be great and a blessing would be poured out on him and the life of his family. Everyone assured Paul his baby would be fine and happy in the future.

One night Paul was awoken with the sound of a baby crying. The bay seemed to be in pain, unbearable pain. Paul searched everywhere. The sound sounded clear and yet no baby to be found. He walked the streets until the sound of the babies crying slowly disappeared. He phoned Zoe to ask if everything was ok and again she assured Paul all was well. Zoe’s mother assured Paul all was well too and in Pauls head all would be well with his baby.

Around this time of attending church regularly and working hard Paul was once again allowed to see his Nan. She was so frail but her eyes lit up when Paul entered the room. Paul shared with her his story of finding God and becoming a born again Christian and how he’d found forgiveness and had forgiven others. She looked deep into his eyes and tears began to flow, Paul guessed they were tears of relief. He gave her a hug and left as other family members were around and they still made him feel awkward just being there.
A week later, sadly, she passed away. As Paul watched her last breath leave her body a rage burnt up in him towards the other family members standing around her bed side. He suppressed it and whispered a prayer for help and he walked out of the house. He climbed the highest tree he could find and cried but shed no tears.

Zoe had returned and he went to her house for comfort. He laid his hands on her stomach promising that baby a great life – that she/he would know no pain or heartache.
Paul joined the drama and dance team at the church and he and Zoe went out with the evangelism team every chance they could. Paul noticed that Zoe was crying one day but when he asked why several ‘Christian’ friends stepped in to suggest that he should leave her alone – it was just the work of the Holy Spirit and he should just leave God to do his work in her. He was told he should not upset her for the baby’s sake, of course Paul took this on board and left her alone giving her as much space as possible. A big event came around when the church was going to do a leaflet hand out throughout Stourbridge alongside some drama and dancing. As Paul got ready to do one of the dances he saw Zoe crying. Zoe’s sister, Emma came over to Paul and said that the reason Zoe was crying was because she had had an abortion whilst she had been in London. All this time the church had known, her mother knew, Pauls ‘friends’ had known and yet no one had told him. His baby was dead, killed, murdered. He screamed so loud that he thought maybe everyone in Stourbridge heard and he ran away. Zoe and the group of Christians chased him. As he was being chased he stopped suddenly, he turned his eyes as black as night, his hair dark red and shaking with such rage. His heart felt like it was pounding out of his chest, his fists clenched and solid as a brick everyone stopped in their tracks. Paul howled liars!! Why? Why? Why? Each time he asked it he screeched more why? Why? Why? Why? He eventually turned away before he would do any harm and ran away.

He ran to an old church yard where he clung to an old cross why? Why? Still rushing through his head. He fell to his knees why? Why? No No No No!!!! Tears burning his eyes, his head felt like it was exploding. So much pain! So much rage! These feelings released other questions about his childhood and teenage life – all that had been done to him. It occurred to him he was a total failure, hated by his dad, rejected by his parents, family disowned him, now this – God must hate him too, his Nan was dead, his baby ripped apart and killed all because he was bad, a bad boy, a bad lad and a bad sinner, and a bad Christian. From his knees he buried his head in the dirt and cried until pure hatred towards himself raised him from the ground and on to a journey of self destruction.

He turned back to drugs and drink and fighting. This time there was no regret when he hit folk. All this was short lived though as Zoe came to him and begged for forgiveness, she said she’d had no choice – her father had forced her to do it.

Paul said that he forgave her yet he was still torn apart inside which seemed so unrepairable. He started to attend church again but this was to be the start of yet another battle. As he approached those who he had grown to trust once to ask why they just told him he needed prayer. If he got angry or upset they said he had demons and then proceeded to babble prayers that were supposed to cast the so called demons out. Demon after Demon saying that if Paul continued on the path of destruction then demons come back sevenfold. The pain and questions Paul was asking were lies of the devil and so he had opened himself up to yet more demons. So the door was opened – he smoked, he swore, he wanted answers, he was hurting, he was a bad Christian. Everyone said he was demonised and Zoe and all his friends were banned from having contact with him.

Over a period of time of trying to be right with the church one week in and the next week being kicked out and publically renounced was the way it continued. Zoe had met another guy and had started to date him, Paul just cracked yet again.

One guy used to visit Paul from the church but he didn’t preach or seem concerned that Paul was drinking or swearing in fact he seemed to encourage it. This strange Christian lured Paul into a sense of trust and helped Paul to get a passport. He promised Paul a holiday so that he could get away from it all and sort his head out. Paul could sense something was wrong with the man but his rage against the church and world blinded him as it had done so many times before and he went on holiday with this man. A holiday – wow! Paul had never been on holiday and he only ever dreamt he could go on a plane and now this was his chance. All this created a sense of adventure and any doubts about his travelling companion were forgotten.

The first few nights they laughed and joked and during the days they went on excursions. Then one night Paul got very drunk he could hardly stand up. As they got back to the room Ian turned and locked the door and jumped on Paul. This guy who towered over Paul and was much stronger raped him pounding into Paul and though Paul cried out and begged him to stop even to the point of being sick there was no release. The beast continued until Paul had passed out and probably even continued after that point too.

The next day he tried to convince Paul that he had fallen and that he was so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing, but Paul knew – there was no way he could forget as it had happened like so many times before. There was no way that it was only in his imagination; he knew what had been done to him. That night the guy tried again but Paul was ready for him harnessing all his energy he beat the living daylights out of this guy even ripping wood from the side of the door beating him until he ran out of the room screaming.
The security came running and took one look at Paul and seemed to compare him in size to that of Ian. They didn’t seem to know what to do and they spoke very little English but they did understand Pauls very fluent swear words and the fact that he wanted to kill Ian. They took Ian away and for the rest of the holiday Paul only saw Ian at a distance with staff ever watchful of him. Paul didn’t have to pay for a thing and each morning an envelope was put under his door with money in.

Paul as with previous incidents never spoke to anyone of what had happened. He was fearful of being called gay or being told it was all in his head. As far as the church was concerned it would be another issue that was demonic and something else that required casting out. The guy who had raped Paul was respected in the church and Paul felt it was unlikely that they would take his word over someone in a respected position of authority, especially as he had been cast aside by them entirely at this point. A cruel predicament which enforced Paul’s low self worth and lack of belief in himself or in church or indeed people in general.

After coming back from the dark soul destroying holiday Paul became split in two minds, even tortured. His hunger for God forced him to attend church but he longed for the innocence again of being in God’s presence but he felt so unclean and unworthy of any forgiveness from God. The secrets in his heart and mind never to be shared seemed to crush his very soul again and again. Several time he attempted to take his own life but alas to no avail.

The gift in Paul to know secrets hidden in people’s lives he started to use. It was not his intention but many gave their lives to Christ or re-committed their lives to god on many occasions. Paul hunted those who claimed to be Christians but lived in reality very un-Christian lives. He would beat some of them up fuelled by a desire to meet Christians with a pure heart and too again find the presence of God that he had encountered on his first visit to church. He was in pursuit of something, anything to give him genuine peace.

Finally, after some false dawns he met such a man – called Johnny Catchpole – a small man with a bit of a hunch back and a speech problem. He spoke as if he was speaking through his nose but he had a pure heart, a spirit of love, acceptance and had no hidden agenda – only to serve other. He desired only to care and to support people who needed it. There was nothing that you could do or say to stop him from loving and there was no hint of sexual longing or fake ideas.

Part II
Paul’s life started to turn for the better once again. Due to his friendship with Johnny Catchpole he started to attend a smaller church called Chawn hill. This church was a very friendly church and Paul was warmly accepted. This was when he got to know john Billington who spoke with a strong northern accent, a humble man – straight to the point and clear with what he had to say. John was a great guy in Paul’s eyes, an amazing father to his children, great husband and excellent preacher – an all round sound Christian, Paul could find no fault in him. Chawn hill was a place where Paul felt accepted and safe and many times he sensed such an outpouring of God’s spirit and love. Pauls past seemed a distant memory; however when he did have questions about his past he was told that it was all in his head and didn’t happen. Over time he questioned no more.

Paul had several different jobs but didn’t hold any of them down for long. He always had a problem with authority figures and refused to be ordered around. Often he would walk out or just wouldn’t turn up for work. Paul was offered a job working on the canal. It was a YTS job but involved archaeology and Paul was often left to his own devices. He loved hunting for stuff and saw a dream future in this dream job. There were several plots that he worked on but over a period of time he sensed that there was a problem. It turned out that the project was never intended to be a real job but had just been set up to keep folks off the dole. He went and got videos to find out whether what he was doing was real work or not. He kicked up such a fuss when he discovered that it wasn’t that he was suspended on full pay and asked not to tell anyone else. The suspension proved to be permanent but hey full pay and no work for him was something of a success and proof that his sense had been right.

Paul joined chawn’s youth club and drama team. He learned how to juggle and unicycle, he mastered the art! Over months Paul collected loads of juggling stuff, magic tricks and also learned how to balloon model. One day he was asked to do a small show for some children and it was not long before he got a good reputation as a children’s entertainer.
One day whilst doing a children’s party his flat was broken into, he returned to his flat to find much stuff stolen. He had a large collection of n50’s and 60’s music some were quite rare and worth a little money. Paul was a perfectionist in how he dressed and he also had a large collection of smart clothes all of which were stolen. Though this incident upset Paul he felt it was probably punishment for breaking into other places when he used to go out robbing with his brother before he became a Christian and he accepted his fate as karma. Paul did however feel more and more uncomfortable in his flat and soon gave it up. He went to stay with Johnny for a week and then moved into Steve Buck’s house in Worcester Street, Stourbridge.

Steve Buck was an eccentric kind of a man, always jolly and always dashing around helping folk and standing on street corners shouting out the glory of God…., etc. Steve’s house though was small, dark and uncared for. It was filled with a constantly musky damp atmosphere. Steve was ok, very caring but with strict rules – no smoking in the house, no drink, no secular music, no bad language, etc. However it was a place to stay and it felt safe and relaxed apart from the morning prayer times and occasional bible bashing session.
Paul was asked if he would consider going on a DTW (discipleship training weekend) with YWAM, he agreed and attended. He watched a programme about street children in South America and how they were being beaten, having to live on the streets, being abused and sometimes being killed. A fire of passion was lit within Paul and he wanted to go onto the mission field to help in whatever way he could. He spoke to the leadership and they advised that he should attend a Christian rehab, firstly a place called the lighthouse.

Chawn hill’s leadership agreed it would be a good place for Paul to go and when a vacancy arose Johnny Catchpole agreed he would take him and so Paul left with Johnny for the long journey to Scotland. The lighthouse project was an old converted barn situated on an extremely large plot of land with a river running a long side it, woodland all around and was situated in a remote village in Ayrshire. He was greeted by a lady called Rose Kelly, a stern looking lady who got straight to the point but with compassionate, understanding and had a pure heart of love and acceptance which seemed out of this world.

Rose was a lady who everyone fought to spend time with and though she was strict she was fare and always seemed to find time for those who sought her attention – an amazing woman who always seemed to know the hearts of those around her and the best way to handle each situation as it arose, unlike others who would run away or avoid some situations. Rose was a woman who knew how to approach people and when to talk to people and when to leave well alone. Her eyes always gave re-assurance that all would be fine. She was ever cheerful, full of encouragement and she would not allow anyone to put themselves down around her.

The lighthouse project had been set up by Richard Meyers – a humble and compassionate man with an amazing spirit of calmness about him. He spoke softly and brought calmness to others spirits and souls. Under YWAMS umbrella this project was set up to help those with a history of abuse and addictions. It was to be a safe haven, a place where folk could find their place in life. Paul was taught to read and write properly and found he had a flare for writing poetry as a way to express himself and the cries of his heart.
Paul’s brain became like a sponge, soaking up all the information it could from bible readings, he learned to play guitar and memorised scriptures. Though it was a safe haven it also became a prison, not being allowed to go anywhere alone and set times for bed and waking up. There was also a list of work duties for the participants enforced by staff members.

Some of the staff were excellent but many used to lord it over the guests and behaved as if on a power trip. This often resulted in rebellious behaviour and arguments until Rose or Richard could come to calm the situation. There was often a staff shortage and many who went to work at the Lighthouse had no heart for the guys, only for the job title. After completing very limited training participants could get a title such as section leader, accounts manager, small group leader, etc. So often these staff members had no idea on how to relate to the guests and dished out orders and punishments which entailed no TV, extra bible studies, earlier bed times or not being allowed off the grounds. This just resulted in many of the guests having more flash backs of their past and so fuelled their anger and rebellion to such a point whereby some members of staff hid in their rooms on occasions or chose to avoid engaging in any kind of conversation with some guests.

Paul often sensed stuff about staff members but when he would ask questions he would be told it was just lies of the devil. Though he wanted to accept this, cast out his thoughts and read more of the bible to renew his mind he was haunted by feelings to the point of not wanting to be in the same room as some staff and certainly not wishing to acknowledge them or do as they told him. (Years later some of Pauls instincts were proved right – one example being a male member of staff who ran off with another man, leaving his wife and children behind. Another member of staff had sexual relations with one of the guests who later committed suicide. A female member of staff also went off with one of the guests)
Sadly because of the lack of a half way house and the lack of understanding of churches (almost without exception) most guests went back to old ways of life, some losing their lives as a result. Very few went onto courses or continued their Christian journey.

Paul found out that some of the guests had a history of sex offences and this just caused him to become enraged. He was told he had to forgive or he wouldn’t be forgiven. He had to accept and love or he would be told to leave and so put an end to his desire of going on the mission field. Of course Paul submitted on the outside but this knowledge stirred things up in Paul that he again had to repress. He had to squash the memories of his experiences of being a victim at the hands of animals.

Though many of the staff and guests wanted Paul gone Rose stood up for him and she won every argument in his defence. He didn’t get kicked out and went through the course until it was time for him to go on a selection weekend to decide which YWAM base he would be assigned to.

He was selected to attend Paignton’s base in Devon and when he arrived he was full of excitement. Once this course was completed he could follow his heart to help others and rescue the lost and hurting.

The course was expensive but all the money was paid in advance and to this day Paul has no idea from where but he had more than enough to the point of being able to help others.
The course seemed to be a doddle at first for him, a morning spent in prayer, teaching times, bible study an drama/dance. They would then go out onto the streets handing out tracks and do evangelism, this is where Paul was at his best always knowing who to approach and who to steer clear of. He still dressed as a rock a Billy and wore dark glasses so he stood out from amongst the team and though he seemed confident on the streets, when back at base he was just quiet and observed what was going on.

Paul longed to join in the teams conversations but they were from a seemingly different world, well educated, well spoken (by comparison to Paul who used lots of slang terms), they had good families and most of them had been brought up in the church. He could find nothing in common with them and if they discussed evangelism, which was a subject he loved, they seemed to only be interested in how many tracks they had handed out or how many prayers they had prayed. Paul listened as they spoke of everyone being sinners heading for hell, they spoke of drunks and tramps not as people needing help but as though they were being punished for wrongs they had done. They seemed angry that these folk wouldn’t or couldn’t listen to them about Jesus and showed little interest in ever wanting to invest in people’s lives. They just saw demons and sin! If ever one of the tramps or drunks showed interest they were prayed for and sent on their way by team members being told they would be ok now!

One of the teaching sessions Paul remembers was on the father heart of God and this raised a whole raft of issue for Paul. He felt he couldn’t share many of the issues that had gone on in his life because he would be considered a very bad sinner. He also discovered for the first time that all his father had done to him was not at all what a father or any other human being should do. Shattered and broken inside again he convinced himself it was all in his head, a lie of the devil. Once again he repressed the memories burying them deep inside him.

Paul was convinced other members of the team didn’t like him and often kept himself to himself. He would sometimes enter conversations mentioning brief moments of his past or things he had done, things like drug use. This just seemed to bring confusion amongst the team which left Paul becoming more withdrawn. The team were intimidated by Paul but in fact he was intimidated by them and he felt very much alone.

A meeting was held without Paul’s knowledge and the team decided that he didn’t fit in and wasn’t right for the course as he made them all feel uncomfortable. His pastor was called and he had to sit and listen as the decision was made amongst the leaders that it was time for him to leave. Paul didn’t speak a word in his own defence and so was driven back to Stourbridge on the journey back home without uttering a word. He didn’t understand and just accepted that he must be a bad lad. Again although he had done nothing Paul found himself back in Stourbridge with his dreams shattered. He felt crushed, embarrassed, and ashamed, he felt that he had failed in some way and he was sent back to church as a failure. A public display of disgrace.

John Billington did his best to comfort Paul and finally the words which echoed around his head finally came out of his mouth. Why? What does God think about this? For God had provided all the money, more than enough. Paul had even been able to help others out on his team to go on the outreach to Switzerland. Alas the final decision had already been made long before he mounted this defence. (Several years later Paul met up with his ex-leaders from the YWAM course and they apologised for handling it all wrong. However, this was a long time later and the damage had long since been done – adding to Paul’s list of failures and disappointments due to misunderstanding and lack of experience). Later Paul was able to blame mans lack of wisdom but at the time it was a mounting sense of being due to him being no good.

This may all seem like a sob story and picking out a story of how Paul was so badly treated and so hard done by however the reality is that there was much lack of understanding and Paul has kept most of this to himself for the years since until now. Paul you see was full of insecurity, he kept his thoughts to himself and when he did try to express himself his silent screams and inner pain displayed itself in rebellion or anger or in his hiding himself away. His confusion and inability to tell people his story created ongoing problems. He maintained a hope that maybe one day things might be better.

Paul again found himself at Steve Buck’s house but it was not long before he was asked if he would consider helping out a guy called Steve Owen whose wife had passed away and whop needed some help with his children. Steve was a quiet man and was still grieving for his wife and maybe his children even more so. Paul did his best to help each child as each needed time, attention, and understanding and help to come to terms with the loss of their mum. Paul wondered why God had taken their mum when they clearly loved her very much and missed her and loved her so so much.

Paul had stored all his entertaining stuff at the church and so soon got back into children’s work and again gained a positive reputation for being good at this and once again was in high demand. He always seemed to understand children and children always seemed to trust him. He could reach children, even the quiet kids who he could bring out of themselves. Kids who were disruptive he managed without needing to shout at asking them to leave, instead he gave them tasks to do like door guards, handing out things and helping other children. They seemed to respond to this as it gave them a sense of purpose and they would do their tasks well. Paul seemed to instinctively know what each child needed and so they would behave for him, every child in front of him entertained, up to 150 at a time. Pauls very heart was to see each child happy, smile and without pain. It didn’t even bother him whether he got paid or not as it was a pure joy and worth all his time to see the children happy.

Each time he went into a school or a club no kid would bully another and each kid would make extra effort to pay attention to what Paul was saying. Paul would o a mixture of teaching, puppet shows and magic tricks. Paul’s heart was that each child would know true joy, understand God’s love and how important it was for them to be good.

It was during this period of children’s ministry that he first met Gill Berry. She was an amazing woman, so caring, so full of life and she had such an amazing heart for children and those who had been hurt. Gill was on fire for God and she had such an amazing heart for people, a heart so pure that strength grew within her from the joy of helping folk. She’d give her last penny away in order to help whatever it may be spent on eventually. Gill’s passion for Christ created such warmth around her that so many would want to be near her and crave her attention. Many who went to Gill would think they were conning her but she didn’t care. Compelled by her love and compassion she still gave and why not for God had provided her with what she needed and her only heart was not for herself but for people to get to know God. As she walked with God so it was her desire for others to know his love and provision and gentleness as she did.

As Paul looked into her eyes he saw nothing but pure love and acceptance. They shared the same passion to reach out to children and people who were lost and hurting. Gill encouraged Pal to continue on his journey and pursue his dream of making children happy and to grow with God. This relationship was to be maintained until today and has brought both of them much joy and pain.

Paul was given a flat next to Chawn hill by the leaders and so he moved in and continued his children’s ministry, making regular visits to his granddad and Steve Owens when possible. Over time Paul developed a good relationship with his granddad who continued always to pine for his deceased wife who had been so close to Paul and had died a few years earlier.

The change in Paul’s life and his passion for God led many of his friends and others who he met to become Christians and a mini revival began at Chawn. This brought much joy to the church but also brought trouble as so many of the new converts had conflicting lifestyles, had been abused, struggled with addictions or needed good care/counselling all of which required a large investment of time and energy. The church – mostly upper middle class didn’t know how to relate or deal with the many issues. Paul did his best to help but began to side with those who felt abandoned, hurt and angry with church as they were pushed away, failed and let down.

To Paul’s horror and shock Ian (the guy from Woodgate) began to attend Chawn hill. Paul never disclosed his previous encounter with Ian but as he watched Ian worship and fit into the church, being accepted and welcomed Paul began to question truth within the church. He began to test Ian by going out drinking with him and asking Ian for money. Ian even gave Paul driving lessons despite knowing Paul didn’t have a licence. One night he got Paul drunk and drove to Clent hill. Paul knew exactly what Ian was up to and asked if he could drive the car to somewhere else. Paul put his foot down and raced the car away from Clent and back towards Stourbridge the only thought being about what had been done to him by Ian previously whilst on holiday those years earlier. As Paul raced through Stourbridge the police began to chase – he floured the car even more with Ian begging him to stop.

Eventually Ian pulled the hand break and the vehicle was surrounded by the police. When questioned Paul could only say that it was the devil that made him do it, that demons wee lying to him. He didn’t once mention what Ian had done to him in the past – why should he (it was all in his head, right??). Long court proceedings began
Ian left the church after this incident and Paul continued as normal at church. He owned up to driving without a licence and after as few months of being banned from children’s work as punishment he was allowed to carry on as usual.

It was over 12 months before the case was finally heard at Crown court. Pauls only defence was that the devil made him do it. He was given 12 months of which he served 6. Many cell mates refused to share a cell with Paul because every morning he’d sing Christian songs and he would try and preach to them. It was a short prison ministry and not one that would be recommended to others!

Once released from prison Paul found that the bookings for children’s work had dried up due to the stigma of being an ex-con. This was despite the fact that it was basically a mister meaner that had happened over a year earlier. At this time he was taken under the wing of Lowell Sheppard who was the boss of YFC. He would take Paul to speaking events with him and would encourage Paul to share his testimony. He also supplied Paul with a bunch of books about great people who had made a real difference in the world such as mother Teresa, Corrie ten Boom and arch bishop Oscar Romero. Paul was encouraged to read about these folk and study their lives.

Paul had several girlfriends during this time but never dared to get too close or even kiss them for fear of sin, Church, Lowell and God of course. As such none of these relationships lasted very long!

On one of the YFC events Paul did meet a girl called Julie from Ipswich and they just seemed to click instantly. Some would say it was love at first sight but Paul didn’t fully understand love and was very cautious because of his previous experience with Zoe. Paul held back and was careful to guard his heart because of this.

Julies was from Ipswich and he made many visits to her and she would visit him in Stourbridge where they attended Chawn hill church and sometimes did children’s events together. One night she went into his room for a cuddle and one thing led to another, the two of them having sex. The next morning Paul felt such remorse and guilt and begged God for forgiveness, he swore it would never happen again and slowly but surely he backed away from Julie not visiting her as often. Though he missed her he wanted to be absolutely right with God but alas his sin was to catch him out as Julie got in touch and told him that she was pregnant but would be unable to keep the baby. Memories surfaced from his past experience and of all that had happened with his first baby. He begged and begged her not to have an abortion. He went to Ipswich and took Julie away to Pontins for a week to try and convince her not to have an abortion but to no avail. She wanted a career, to continue education and do something with her life other than being a mother. Paul begged but his cries fell on deaf ears, eventually he had a fit and was taken into hospital. Julie’s parents came to collect her and later Paul was picked up by his faithful friend Johnny Catchpole who drove through the night to get to him. Again Paul was broken, shattered and a wreck. He was dropped off at his mother’s where he slept for a couple of days. He stole his mother’s sleeping pills, went back to his flat and overdosed, He was found by his friend Brad who got him to hospital where he spent the next week.

When YFC found out about all that had happened he was not allowed to do any more work for them or for the church. This was around the same time as many of his other friends had been kicked out of the church and so they used to hang around Paul’s flat drinking and smoking doing their utmost to cheer Paul up and telling him all would be fine. Again Paul felt completely abandoned by the church including Julie’s parents who were both devout Christians. He had a glimmer of hope that God would answer his prayers and speak to them so that Julie would not have the abortion. Paul was to give everything to the church and Lowell and now it seemed the price he was to pay was to lose Julie and his baby but he also lost the church. He felt completely abandoned and alone – he took all of the blame onto himself as usual and however much he begged God to forgive him there was no release, no peace came to his soul.

He attempted to phone Julie many times but her parents would always say that she was out. He wrote letters begging her not to proceed with the abortion. It was getting to about the 3 month point and paul was hopeful that she may have changed her mind but one dreadful night she did phone and just spoke the words, ‘I’m sorry it’s done’, Paul just laughed, cried, then laughed. His friends wanted to know what was wrong but he laughed – my baby’s dead he told them, no emotion left apart from hatred towards the church and God. He lost all ability to feel that night; nothing seemed to bother him anymore.

Paul stopped paying his rent to the church and even robbed churches; he took out loans, borrowed money, robbed shops and clubs just to drink. He had no remorse, no feeling, he was dead but for the haunting of babies screams – nothing seemed to enter his mind.

Chawn got fed up with him not paying his rent and he faced eviction. Where was he to go? What was Paul to do? The only option was to go back to the lighthouse project in Scotland.
Paul gave the flat up and returned to the lighthouse where Rose gently nursed him back to health and some kind of normality. Again Paul completed the course without much fuss and then went on to complete his DTS with YWAM during which he had to go through a stage of restitution. He wrote letters of confession to all he had stolen from and he even went in person where possible. No charges were ever brought from this time and all seemed to say that he had been forgiven and it was all forgotten.

After completion of the DTS during which he nearly died during an accident whilst doing a fire breathing display he was sent back to the lighthouse as the leaders felt it best. He took some time out but he was neither guest nor staff and so was in complete limbo. He didn’t stay for long before he got himself a bedsit an Ayr town and he did some busking to make ends meet.

He was often visited by a girl from his course who offered to pay for some driving lessons and if he passed his test to get him a car, He had lessons, passed his test and as promised she bought him a care (a red metro). This girl whose name was Fiona wanted more than just friendship. This freaked out Paul and a few months later he left Scotland and went to stay with Steve Owen again. During this time he heard about an organisation called winged fellowship – a group of respite centres throughout the country which cared for clients with different types of disability providing them with a holiday and their carer’s with a rest! They had programmes ranging from one to two weeks. Paul found that he had an instant ability to work with the various folks who came to the centre. Some clients were physically disabled, some had communication difficulties, other were blind – Paul found ways of connecting with all the guests that would come to the centre, He got on well with staff and other volunteers alike.

He met a couple who he knew from his days with YFC during his time at winged fellowship and they offered him a place to stay in Weston super mare. He took them up on this and moved in with them some time later. This couple turned out to be very different from how he remembered them, they were extremely old fashioned and religious but he was stuck with little other option of place to go. Opportunity to move on arose when Paul met a girl in a club one night. He moved into a room in her house. Unfortunately she turned out to suffer from manic depression and would kick Paul out one day and the want him back the next. This lasted a few months until he moved out altogether and go a bedsit in the town.

Whilst in Weston Paul worked as a care assistant through a nursing agency and he worked in a variety of nursing homes. He worked as many shifts as possible but always compared the nursing homes and residents care to that which he had seen at winged fellowship. He complained sever times about how the patients were being treated and eventually lost his job.
Paul decided to move back to Stourbridge and went to stay with Steve Owen again. By this time Steve had re-married, his wife’s name being Bernadette or Bernie. Paul had previously had the run of the house but now felt like he was invading Bernie’s space. Though Bernie tried very hard to relate to Paul and to get to know him he didn’t give her respect and showed complete disrespect for her faith and beliefs. Paul stayed for about 6 months and was working but was still claiming housing benefit. When Bernie found out she packed his things and left them out on the doorstep for him to pick up one evening when he came home from work. He had little in the way of choices and so went to stay on his brother, Ian’s bedsit floor. Ian was soon to be evicted so this was only very temporary and they went together to apply for jobs at Butlins in Minehead. Paul sold his car and they headed down to Butlins. Paul and Ian both got jobs as waiters and Paul proved very popular with everyone, staff and holiday makers as he used his magic tricks to break the ice and bring some happiness. Paul got promoted to silver service and at night did table magic for holiday makers in the big halls. Paul worked for 6 months at Butlins in a live in position. Paul would do his magic all over the site and one of the managers said he’d been there 5 years and yet Paul in such a short space of time was known by far more people than him!
There were some little scams going on amongst staff and during Pauls time on site there was a crack down with lots of mystery guests on the site and the like. The mystery guests were sent to try and catch staff doing things that they shouldn’t especially in terms of stealing or misbehaving. One day Paul was called to the office and was told he was to be sacked for gross misconduct. When Paul asked what he had been done wrong it was explained to him that he was accused of having free beer given to him by bar staff. Paul objected – he’d never received anything free from staff as whilst working he made enough in tips not to need to beg or steal anything. He could remember doing a magic trick at one of the bars and making coins disappear under a glass. The bar tender went to check where the coins had gone and in doing so split Paul’s pint. He replaced the spilt pint but it would appear a mystery shopper just saw him pouring the pint and not taking payment for it. Paul’s manager called him to one side and explained that Paul had made a rod for his own back. As he was so popular around the site and so widely known he was to be made an example of in order to show how serious the clamp down was. Plenty of people came to Pauls defence – holiday makers and colleagues but to no avail – he had to leave.

Homeless and with no place to stay and no safe haven Paul had no intention of going back to church so headed to London, back to the streets that he knew as a teenager. He slept on the streets down back streets, one night he saw a guy getting beaten up and so ran over to help him out, together they chased the guys off. This guy was called Doug and he asked where Paul was staying and when Paul said he was on the streets. Doug offered him a place to stay and because he was cold and hungry he quickly accepted.

Doug’s house was great – warm, bright and had all the latest equipment: top of the range TV, stereo and furniture. The next day Doug gave Paul some money so he could get himself some clothes so off Paul went shopping and he got himself his favourite type of clothes – Rock a Billy leather jacket and jeans with buckle shoes. He was back in his element.
Each day Doug had parties and loads of people used to turn up to drink and take drugs until the early hours of the morning. Paul took all that was on offer! His mind was free, his past became a blur. One day Doug and his mates approached Paul and said it was time that Paul was put to work. Paul feared what they were going to do to him after what other men had done in the past. He shouted at them – you’re not my dad I will kill you all!! They were surprised by his response and his behaviour towards them but they explained that this was exactly what they wanted him to do but they weren’t to be his targets. They had some debts which needed collecting and you’ll continue to live rent free if Paul carried out these actions on their behalf. Still full of fear and rage at the same time Paul took some more drugs and was then taken to a house.

Paul knew that inside if he didn’t do what he was told and proved that he could handle himself then it would be very bad for him when he got back outside. Again he had visions of the past echoing around his mind and as he got closer to the house he just pumped himself up and closed himself off to the world around him. He harnessed all his pain and every ounce of energy he had, helped by the anger within. Paul was about to commit what he might consider the ultimate sin – hurting someone who he didn’t know and who had done no wrong to him but he knew if he didn’t he would suffer instead. No sooner had the front door opened and Paul said is your name…. and he let loose like a tiger freed from a cage. He saw red and unleashed years of pain on the guy in front of him, the alcohol and drugs still pulsing around his veins. There was no stopping him, he heard a woman cry – ‘stop it, please stop it’ but he just turned and said your next! The money was handed to the driver within seconds and the other guys pulled Paul off the guy.

On returning to Doug’s house they group all cheered Paul and he had earned a different kind of respect and maybe even caused some fear. Every couple of days Paul would be driven to a different house, club or pub to collect some money from someone. The same rage was released each time until the money was forthcoming. After a while Paul was trusted enough just to be given an address and he would go on his own. Paul had started to cut down his drug intake though his body craved it and his body would contort with pain, feelings of cold and anxiety would come over him and fill his body.

One night he went to collect a debt and went into this address with a baseball bat in hand. He asked the guy for the money that was owed and he said he would have it soon but it was on its way. He invited Paul into wait. As Paul waited Paul began to think that the money probably wasn’t coming. He was caught by the pictures of the guy’s family and he began to feel sorry for the guy because he realised that if he didn’t have the cash soon he would have to badly hurt him. Paul tried to switch of these emotions but couldn’t stop feeling sorry for the guy and what was about to happen to him if he didn’t pay up. He ordered the guy to get him a drink and asked him again when the money was coming – soon replied the guy but Paul could see his desperation and doubted him. A strange feeling came over Paul and he felt he should phone John Billington, it was the early hours of the morning so he didn’t expect that he would answer but he called him. Paul explained about the situation he was in and asked what he should do. John asked what would happen if Paul just walked away and realised that this wasn’t possible so suggested that he go easy on the guy. Paul thought about this agreed and put the phone down. Paul has often thought that John must have prayed hard once the phone was down as a miracle would begin to unfold. Paul gave the guy a minor beating just to leave enough marks to show but with no permanent damage. He used his own money to pay the debt and then he told the guys he had been working for he was through, he then took a load of drugs and he left. High as a kite he got on a tube train, changed trains several times until he got to Soho and he headed down an alley where he collapsed. He had made a lot of money for himself and the guys he had been working for so he had no fear of being followed. They would have to kill him if they did that anyway. For him that life was over, he couldn’t return.

This is the point where the miracle took place as Paul heard a soft sweet voice behind him, ‘is that you Paul’, ‘is that you Paul’ as he got to his feet he saw Gill Berry standing in front of him. She asked him if he was ok and he said yes, then she asked if he had got money and he again said yes. Finally she asked if he had somewhere to stay and he said yes again. At this point it was as if all the effects of the drugs wore off him and he felt ashamed, as if he was naked. He made his excuses and left. He went and booked himself into a hostel, got himself a load of tablets and overdosed. He was found the next morning by cleaning staff that went into clean his room. He was taken to hospital and from there he was taken to a secure psychiatric hospital where he spent several months. On his release he got a bedsit in Richmond and a few weeks later he applied for a job at Richmond Royal star and garter (ex military nursing home). This was a live in position and he worked there for about 6 months. He was often given death watch duty – sitting with patients on the verge of dying whilst relatives are on their way in order to keep the person company. Often relatives would arrive too late and this brought much pain to Paul’s heart and brought back memories of his grandmother.

He was in touch with his mum again at this point and he learned that his granddad was ill and so returned to Stourbridge to care for him. He got a bedsit in Stourbridge but spent most of his days at his granddads until he passed away.

Paul then moved to Southport and began moving around the winged fellowship centres again. He focused all his energy on the clients. This is where he met Miriam who was a lovely girl from a small village just outside Southport. They developed a good friendship from which romance sprung. Usually it is women who are swept off their feet but in this case it was Paul and within no time at all they got engaged and set a date for marriage.

Miriam and Paul married and many of Paul’s friends and family attended. He was so happy and for him the only gift he could give was his whole heart, everything of himself. He promised to himself that he would be the best husband possible. They gave up the voluntary work and looked for paid work but there was none to be found in the local area. Paul did not want to be a family on the dole and so they kept looking and discovered that there was plenty of work on the Isle of Man. The isle f man is a small island between the UK and Ireland where there was lots of work available, Paul and Miriam initially stayed in a B& B until they found a flat to live in, moving again from there into a house in Douglas (the main town on the island).

Paul adored Miriam and so often just lay awake watching her sleep. He was so in love that whatever she wanted or needed he got for her. He held down two jobs, did all the shopping and cleaning and cooking, he thought he was the perfect husband. A strange turn of events took place whereby he no longer had the desire to go out to the pubs and clubs whereas Miriam still did. Paul used to work nights and Miriam went out when he got in early in the mornings. Paul would have a couple of hours sleep then be woken up by an alarm clock which was time for Miriam to get up and go to work. Often she didn’t want to go and because they worked for the same company Paul would go in her place and do her shift for her. He would again return home in time to have a couple of hours sleep before his own shift would start (the night shift).

Miriam got pregnant but sadly lost the baby and soon afterwards their relationship began to fall apart. A few months after this Paul returned home from work early due to illness and caught Miriam in bed with someone else. He put the guy through the window and ordered her to leave. He was later detained under the mental health act in a mental health hospital after having a complete breakdown.

On release from hospital Paul divorced Miriam and emptied what had been their house and gave it all away to charity. He then returned to the main land and got a job working as a security guard with a friend of his who was a Muslim. Paul saw the way that Muslims were to one another and he wanted the same. He wanted God but there was no way he was going to attend church again and so he became a Muslim.

Paul was blessed and accepted fully into the mosque. He had to renounce all his dealings with Christianity which he did gladly and he was given a new name: Al Kalid. He attended the mosque regularly and studied the Quran fervently.

Paul moved around staying with various friends until he eventually got a bed sit in brook street, Stourbridge. There were plans for Paul to be sent to India where he would lean more of the culture and maybe even choose a Muslim wife. One night he had a dream, he saw many faces coming together. Gill Berry’s, Johnny Catchpole, Rose Kelly, Richard Mayers, Steve Owen and others. As they came together they formed the face of Christ and he knew God was calling him. He got in touch with Steve Buck who arranged for him to go into Betel (yet another Christian rehab)

During this time at Betel Paul made a vow never to fall in love again or to get romantically involved and to this day he has had no sexual desires. At times he has attracted female attention but as of yet he has declined to pursue it.

Paul’s passion is to help the hurting and the lost and to reach out specifically to children who have been hurt or abused. This passion again began to blaze within him whilst in Betel and his dream of becoming a missionary again began to come alive within him. He longed to make a difference in the lives of others but still with little care for himself and little concern for his own life, only that of others.